On preparing for a flight with 3 kids under the age of 5 .....
Monday, April 11, 2011 at 11:55AM 1. Always travel in the height of allergy season. This way, when the CPS case worker asks you, "Mrs. Heffernan, why were you travelling with 10 pre-filled doses of Benadryl," you will have a viable defense.
2. Collect complimentary books of drink tickets and when the flight attendant is doing the safety demonstration, you can introduce yourself to your your neighbors ... "Hello, please have pity on me. Have a drink. It's on us."
3. Save an extra book of drink tickets for yourself. If your children are monsters you can either a) buy more drinks to the most aggrieved looking passengers or b) you can take ALL the Benadryl and use all the drink coupons to ease your own pain.
4. Change all the poopie diapers for your 9 month old for several days immediately before the flight. This way, you have standing when you ask your spouse to change the poopie diaper in flight ... "But you haven't changed a poopie diaper in days ....."
5. Provide to your children unrestricted access to the most numbing television that you can provide and do it with a smile. "Yes, darling, you may watch scarlet macaw for the 100th time." Just go to the dollar store and buy whole bunch of cheap headphones so YOU don't have to listen to the "Go Diego Go" theme song over and over again ... That's just waterboarding for your ears.
6. Before you go to the airport, load your children up with sugar and caffeine. Bring red lollipops, let them get sticky and dirty. Feed them chocolate and don't clean it up, who cares if they look like well-fed vampires from True Blood. Let them scream -- abandon all discipline and embrace the chaos --- then, after you get on the plane, watch all of your fellow passengers avoid the empty seat next to you .... (this only works on southwest airlines). By the way, hose down your children immediately before you board. Dirty children are disgusting.
7. If you run into turbulence, be poised. DO NOT start crying and blubbering that "something this heavy should not be able to fly and we are all going to die." Apparently, this type of behavior alarms young children and often cause them to cry. a lot. really loud. for a long long time. at the top of their lungs.
8. Never ever be that person who brings McDonalds/Burger King or anything that will smell like dirty socks on the airplane (this includes Fritos). It's just wrong and you deserve it if you child turns into Beelzebub during the flight.
9. If you have three kids -- and you are blessed with the kid/s that are being good and your spouse has the evil child screaming and kicking seats. Ignore them. Pretend you have never seen them before in your life. Make eye contact with your fellow passengers and shake your head in mutual disgust. Even clink drinks with them and enjoy a shared laugh.... (warning: this behavior may not endear you to your husband for the rest of the vacation -- and he will definitely not change that poopie diaper ....)
10. Pray to the on time departure gods and acts of kindness from strangers. Don't dwell on the fact that you have to do it all over again on the way home. Vaya con dios.
